Everyone here knows the scene… the father/daughter and mother/son dances have justfinished, everyone is reveling in the joy of being in the presence of true, virginal marital bliss, the bride and groom are glowing, and the dance floor is benignly free from the spilled beer and wine which will soon tarnish its reflective glory. Suddenly, a voice booms out over the crowd, vividly proclaiming in tones eerily reminiscent of Orson Welles, “Are you ready to dance, Baxter/Bennet Wedding?!!!!!”

What happens next is usually an aural genocide of such proportions that it makes Curious George and the Banana Grabber (Arrested Development reference alert) look like Moby Dick. From Celine Dion to Tim McGraw, reception attendees are usually abused in ways which the CIA would find reprehensible.

Seeing as how I am currently in the stages of planning my own wedding, I have put together this ultimate hit-list of wedding songs which are sure to neither get the crowd going nor bring about actual romantic feelings, but which DJs still believe kick up the party, in the hopes of exercising the demons of awful music from ruining my own reception.

5) Marcia Griffiths – The Electric Boogie

How could anyone possibly not love a song which involves line-dancing and the word “woogie”? It’s quite easy, actually. Marcia Griffiths’ ode to all things electric is one of the most ridiculous songs ever written; filled to the brim with classic 80s synth drums and nonsensical lyrics such as the following:

I've got to move,I'm going on a party ride
I've got to groove, groove, groove,
And from this music I just can't hide.

Deep, Marcia. Deep.

4) Edwin McCain – I’ll Be

Although McCain’s song, which has now been used as the first dance for couples about 89 trillion times, was once actually not too terrible a soft-rock ballad it has been overplayed to the point where it cannot even be saved by the sight of the group of single women at table 8 who scream every word as tears build in their eyes. It’s always sad when songs get played to death, but at least McCain leaves those of us who can no longer stand to be within 100 feet of hearing range of “I’ll Be” with something to think about when he sings in the chorus, “I’ll be love’s suicide…”

Can anyone figure that one out?

3) The Commodores – Brickhouse

I must admit that I have actually gotten funky to “Brickhouse” once or twice at a wedding reception and it is a decently catchy song, but that does not excuse DJs from going to the well too often. “Brickhouse” has actually been the first song played as a party starter at two of the receptions I have attended and has been heard at every single reception I have ever been to, which makes one wonder: If disco is dead, why the hell is its reanimated corpse slaughtering uncoordinated white people at reception halls throughout the country?

Creepy Old Man Lyric Alert:
The clothes she wears, the sexy ways
Makes an old man wish for younger days

2) Kool and the Gang – Celebration

Does anyone actually need to be reminded to celebrate good times? When was the last time that you saw a team win the World Series, only to mope around collecting their gear before eventually making their way slowly down the tunnel into the locker room? The fact that anyone needs to be told to, “Celebrate good times, come on!” is ridiculous, not to mention annoying after the 59,549th time in the space of three and a half minutes of song.

I’d like to see a reworking of this song with Kool and the Gang reminding those with short-term memory loss to “Tie your shoes up tight, come on! Zip your coat up now, come on!” and so on. They could really do a lot of good in this world.

1) The Village People – YMCA

Come on, did anyone actually think this wouldn’t be the number one song on this list? Sure it can be cute to see grandparents swaying their hips and spelling letters with their arms, but at what cost to society?

There’s nothing to say here… it’s just awful.



Jameson said...

I hope that DJ Casper's "Cha Cha Slide" was left off this list on purpose. Whatever makes your wedding playlist, people better be dancing at your wedding. Also...I hope at some point there is a Beatles medley that span's the band's career...ending with a group singalong of some sort.

Luke said...

Well, I was recently told that I have to have at least one of either Electric Boogie or the Cha Cha Slide so I'm going with the easier to dance to (and less annoying) cha cha, haha.

No worries on the amount of dancing, we're going to turn the mutha out... and a beatles singalong is a hell of an idea. I think that will be a perfect late night medley... everyone will be sweaty, drunk, and singing their lungs out.